My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.