a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
You Might Also Like
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Cause of death: Zumba
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?