Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
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The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.