2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Who.
Did.
This?
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn