Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Me if I was a dog
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Oh boy, $150,000!
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”