How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
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The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.