Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.