The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.