[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
When news reporters do sports stories
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.