Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”