I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
somebody come look at this
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no