I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”