Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime