I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it