Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.