I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good