Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
#winning
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.