Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
the three genders
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.