Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.