8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Good morning, Twitter x
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time