just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts