I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”