ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
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ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Trumpy Cat
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you