Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My safe word is Worcestershire
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.