7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
BRO LMFAO
me when I see my crush
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.