*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
what could possibly go wrong?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
What a website
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.