My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.