[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
#polloftheday