Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
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Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit