In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“I FIXED IT!”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*