Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
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“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
jesus, what did this guy do
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
If snakes were wide
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
These aliens are taking forever.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.