Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.