I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.