In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”