Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
i choose….tongue
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.