WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”