I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
welcome back
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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I know this now 😂
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.