A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
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Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Oh. My. God.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet