“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think