I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Google Pay be like:
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
saving face 👀
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend