6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Thursday Thought.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor