All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
This headline is a thing of beauty
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]