The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.