It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
me after eating Cheetos
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..