An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
You Might Also Like
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.