Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
You Might Also Like
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?