As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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My favorite farside!!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me too 😆
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?