Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Sorry not sorry.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
When I said I liked it rough.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
i now pronounce you bounced.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here