[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.