Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
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My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.